Pro Cyclist Accused of Doping Actually 'Fesses Up

Bort Schmelve, third-year pro with the Russian OGO-Vlermdeher squad, recently tested positive for blood doping resulting in unusually high hematocrit levels in his biological passport.

Addressing the media in a press conference Tuesday, Schmelve openly admitted his guilt.  “Yep, I did it.  I doped and got popped.  I am prepared to accept whatever punishment the UCI hands down.  I regret it, but I knowingly and willingly did something wrong and understand that I now must face the consequences and pay the penalty.”

Schmelve’s statement elicited a swift and strong reaction from the UCI.

“We cannot just accept his bold confession,” explains UCI spokesperson, Jacques Vassier.  “This is unacceptable behavior for a rider accused of doping.  There are proper protocols.  If he thinks he can get away with this, he’s got another thing coming.

“First, he must publicly and vehemently deny any wrong doing and proclaim an exhaustive list of possible explanations.  He must do his homework here to understand what excuses his predecessors have used.  Chimeric twins, tainted beef, poppy-seed muffins, South American candy, and shots of whiskey are some of the classics.  But they’ve been disproven – he must impress us with something new and outlandish like ‘I thought I was putting Splenda in my coffee but it turned out to be cocaine’ or ‘my elevated testosterone levels were from watching a WWF pay-per-view marathon.’  We may go lighter on him depending on the novelty and creativity of his explanation.

"Then, he must assemble an army of lawyers and medical experts to provide their own arguments and evidence debunking the UCI’s position.  These investigations and proceedings must be dragged out for many months if not years.  He must sue and file every legal claim imaginable to ‘defend his honor’ and postpone as long as possible his inevitable suspension from the sport.  Filing a lawsuit against ‘persons unknown’ for being ‘poisoned’ is one of my personal favorites.  That was some real out-of-the-box thinking there.

“When it is ultimately clear that he is guilty of doping, he must still, under no circumstances, admit guilt or apologize to his fans.  Instead, and only then, must he sheepishly accept his ban and skulk off into the shadows to sulk for a few years before ‘launching a comeback,’ all the while maintaining his innocence.

“After returning to the sport and floundering fruitlessly for a couple of more years (without the benefit of doping), he must then retire.  It is then common to write a book – perhaps admitting doping, perhaps not – and/or to return to the sport by creeping under the slipcover of a team as director or assistant.”

By accepting that he got caught straight away, “(Schmelve) is brazenly defying this rich tradition.  It is an affront to the sport and frankly, the fans deserve better.  I mean, c’mon – at least put up some kinda fight.  It makes for good drama,” continues Vassier.  “He must respect and adhere to established processes without exception.  By admitting guilt without throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old first, we may increase the severity of his punishment.”

“He’s really asking for it.”

Pro Cyclist Cites Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion for Poor Race Performance

With claims of stomach virus rising to unprecedented levels as an excuse regarding rider race performance (or lack thereof), there are some who still take responsibility for their actions. Greg Ballard of the Outback Steakhouse presented by Maalox squad is one such rider.

“We were finishing a training ride and I noticed an Outback on the way to the hotel. They’re our principal sponsor, so it just seemed like a good idea.”

“With the Hurp Blord race the next day, none of the other riders wanted to take a chance. But at the team dinner that night, I just picked at my food and went to the Outback afterwards.”

The allure of the “Bloomin’ Onion” was too much for Ballard to resist.

“It was the first thing I saw on the menu. It looked so enticing, I couldn’t take my eyes off it,” recalls Ballard. “With no teammates to share it with, I ended up eating the entire thing myself. Big mistake.”

The concentration of greasy fried batter had a devastating impact on Ballard’s digestive tract.

“There’s nothing like two pounds of deep-fried onion to turn your intestines into a knot – or a superhighway depending on how you look at it,” describes Ballard. “It sure tasted good going down, but it wasn’t so pleasant…er,…later.”

The grease-laden onion delicacy presented a new level of intestinal distress.

“I’ve been all over the world with the team and eaten some questionable things – from some sort of spicy battered insect in Jakarta to boiled chicken feet in China,” continues Ballard. “But the Bloomin’ Onion beats them all hands-down.”

“Forget about irritable bowel syndrome. My bowels were downright pissed off at me. You could have hung a ‘two exits – no waiting’ sign around my neck. That’s one sure-fire way to get a hotel room to yourself, though. My roommate couldn’t clear out fast enough.”

Ballard’s race performance the next day suffered considerably due to the dietary indiscretion.

“After a night of backflips on the toilet, I was completely knackered at the start of Hurp Blord. It’s a good thing I was at the back of the pack.

“It would not have been pleasant for anyone behind me.”

Unknown Rider Wins Prestigious Bike Race, Tests Positive for Spinach

“Everybody just went ‘Whoah…who the hell is that?’ when he shot out of the bunch,” explains Kjel Schokked. “Immediately the speculation began. Riders began whispering he’s probably leafing.”

Leafing is the common slang of the pro cycling peloton for eating spinach – the iron-laden vegetable banned for its potent and often unpredictable performance stimulation.

WADA has yet to perfect testing protocols to detect the presence of the highly nutritious leafy green. Abuse is feared rampant among pro cyclists, however only the most seasoned riders are able to avoid suspicion by controlling the boost in strength eating a packet of spinach can bring a rider.

“Some say he popped a LEG (leafy edible green) packet back among the team cars,” continues Schokked. “The surge of vitamins and nutrients made his legs swell abnormally. I guess he’s more of a climber, but when he went by me, he made (Eric) Heiden look like (Alberto) Contador. They were circus-freak massive.”

WADA is frustrated in their efforts to catch leafers.

“There are no effective tests for leafing,” bemoans WADA president, Dick Pound. “In the absence of the ability to directly detect spinach, we look for external signs. Sudden and often violent performance bursts are key indicators. Freakish swelling of leg muscle tissue is usually a dead giveaway. Add to that an unhealthy attraction to abnormally skinny, homely, and whiny women and you’ve probably got yourself a case of leafing.”

Other tell-tale behaviors can betray a potential leafer.

“Sometimes a leafing rider goes into a mysterious, euphoric state and can only utter ‘Ack-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk’ repeatedly. Strangely, we’ve often found a corn cob pipe in the possession of riders suspected of leafing, but we’ve yet to determine its purpose.”

The shroud of mystery around the rider doesn’t stop at leafing, Pound continues.

“We believe he was also gussing (loading up on asparagus before a race) to benefit from the combined effects of the two incredibly healthy, vitamin-rich vegetables,” Pound suspects. “But again, gussing is something we’re unable to test for. No-one will go near their urine sample.

“Man, does their pee stink.”

Study: Wearing Cycling Shoes in Cafés Linked To Posture Disorder, Abdominal Distension

In a recent study concluded by the Cycling-Related Ailment Panel (CRAP), researchers found evidence pairing frequent stops at coffee shops to increased incidence of acute posture disorder among the ranks of road cyclists. Additionally, rates of abdominal distension cases were elevated as well – both afflictions frequently occurring in the same subject.

Dr. Horst Grubner, Research Lead of CRAP, explains the findings.

“Roadies clomp about cafés in their cleats never noticing the effects the odd gate is having on their posture as they load up on bagels, muffins, and coffee. Little do they realize that the unusual angle created by the cleat when they walk is slowly turning them into spandex-clad Quasimodos.”

“But spinal alignment isn’t all these cycling respites is affecting,” Grubner continues.

“On top of hunching, we found a direct correlation between frequent café visits and elevated rates of abdominal distension cases. Though (Prof. Julius) Hornblatt would have you believe it’s just from them eating too much. Pfft. What a quack. He should just go back to breeding crop seeds already and leave real research to the big kids.”

Various cycling clubs from around the country were chosen as subjects of the three-year study observing nearly four hundred recreational and competitive cyclists. Over the period, participants logged a total of 187,313 stops for coffee and spent over US$1.8 million at cafés.

“Starbucks doesn’t want this study getting out for fear of lost revenues,” Grubner complains. “Panera, Noah’s and others are also trying to stall the release of our findings. If you extrapolate to the broader cycling community, losses could be in the billions.”

Those that want to squelch the study have CRAP in their crosshairs.

“This morning, when I entered the lab, someone had broken my favorite mug and scrawled “Silencio!” on the autoclave with a coffee bean. It was clearly the work of the Italian cappuccino collective.”

Grubner is undeterred.

“Their message was clear, but I will not be silenced.

"It is my solemn duty to let the cycling public know the ugly truth. Though you could probably argue that the posture degradation and developing belly paunch has just as much to do with the aging process of the subjects over the course of the study. I mean, it’s been three years.

“I’m sure I walk a little differently and have loosened my belt a notch or two.”

Sleep-Deprived Feed Zone Worker Hands Rider Musette of Biohazard Waste

Yort Fergnid, a third-year pro with Klerd Throopmor (Danish manufacturer of industrial insulation spackle) was finding this running of the Werg Plloopfrap challenging enough – before being accidentally served a musette filled with spent growth hormone vials, blood bags, and syringes. “It’s only my fourth race with the squad, and they’re already trying to kill me.”

Fergnid describes the scenario.

“I went through the feedzone and instinctively grabbed the first bag handed to me by someone wearing our trademark pea-green and chartreuse jerseys. Though to me they’re really more of a drab olive and lavender. With just the slightest hint of eggplant. But I digress.

“When I went to grab an energy bar, I was stabbed by about fifteen needles. There are a lot of unusual things about our team, but that’s just messed up.”

An absent-minded soigneur was soon implicated.

“I thought immediately that that glassy-eyed stoner probably had something to do with it. That guy is completely spaced out half the time. I mean, he once tried to apply ten Newton-meters of torque to my stem bolts rather than nine. Unbelievable! I’m also forever reminding him that I need a hypoallergenic pillow, and prefer a lemongrass hair conditioner. Sheesh.”

Tristan Warner, a soigneur for the squad blames a lack of sleep. “From washing down bikes, doing laundry, confirming reservations, rider room assignments, mapping the route to the next day’s stage, etcetera, I’m working on, like, 14 minutes of sleep since Saturday.

“Everyone on the team thinks I’m stoned, but in reality, I’m just loopy from not sleeping. But what I wouldn’t give for a joint right now.”

Warner explains the mix up.

“I was supposed to have dumped it outside the hotel where some other teams were staying, but somehow, in the rush to get everything together this morning, it wound up with the feedzone musettes. I think I must’ve dumped the team’s mail instead. Oops.

“The authorities didn’t believe that the medicine was for my sick iguana, Quincy. He’s got some weird glandular thing that makes him look like a horny toad with leprosy. No-one will take care of him while I’m gone, so I’ve got to bring him with me. It’s really unfortunate that he’s been prescribed transfusions and EPO. It’s all really just a big mix up, but WADA has no sense of humor. I swear, their own mothers don't love them.”

The UCI levies their initial findings.

“Even if it was all for his goddam lizard, how the spent medicine ended up with the feed bags indicates a staggering lack of rider safety controls,” proclaims UCI spokesperson, Klaus Molle. “I had an iguana once too and am sympathetic to Mr. Warner. The bond between man and reptile is very special. But that's no excuse… I miss my scaly little guy. Godspeed, Mr. Pickles!”

Though no riders were immediately named, the incident likely spells the suspension of the team’s license until the investigation is complete.

The squad has been under intensifying scrutiny ever since the Ronde von Frondenfloom spring classic during which its star rider, Lars Pluf, was disqualified for taking a fistful of Flintstone chewable fruit-flavored vitamins from his team car.

Although Pluf claimed to have a Therapeutic Use Exemption permitting the vitamins, observing race commissaire, Rolf Tressier, was quick to point out sub-clause c.3d.F.34534 of section 8U.3.e.X9t.k of the UCI regulations which clearly forbids riders from ingesting “any crunchy children’s vitamin even remotely shaped like cartoon cavemen.”

With the team now embroiled in Iguanagate, Tressier explains that “the incident could extend to the broader peloton. We also found in Mr. Warner’s possession a list of what he claims to be his iguana’s pet names.

“No way we’re not falling for that one again!”

Dead, Irrelevant Brands Turn To Cycling for Revival

It seems that long-forgotten brands are seeking to return to former glory by employing their sponsorship of pro cycling teams for promotion.

“Why should RadioShack be the only dinosaur brand out there?” asks Penny Mortensen, Director of Marketing Communications for Team Bennigan’s. “We figured why the hell not? Nothing else has ever worked.”

The new channel has given new enthusiasm to those tasked with reviving fading brands.

“We haven’t been relevant for years and we thought this would be a good way to blow the dust off our brand,” continues Mortensen.

“We’re either going to come out looking cool by getting involved in something hip and fashionable, or we’re going drag the beautiful sport of cycling down with us. Screw them and their sissy shorts. It’s not like any one of them has ever come near one of our delicious burgers anyway.”

Others businesses desperate to breathe new life into their image are quick to follow suit.

“RadioShack’s move was unprecedented,” explains Brad Gorman, Director of Team Gleem announced last month. “The rest of us in the Forgotten Legions of Obsolete Products and Services (FLOPS) just went ‘Whoah! Those clever bastards!’”

Soon to be announced are teams from Der Wienerschnitzel, Montgomery Ward, Hush Puppy, Fuller Brush, and most recently, RC Cola.

“We’re tired of being the third or fourth cola choice. We want to knock those jerks at Fanta off their high horses,” proclaims Terry Rombauer-Platt, Marketing Manager at RC. “Ok, so maybe we’re more like the fifth or sixth choice… Definitely no lower than eighth. Honestly, we’re looking to crack the top ten. Shut up!”

Some dismiss RadioShack’s move as foolhardy, but “I disagree,” says Mort Krumpton, Chief Marketing Officer for Chic Jeans. “It isn’t easy to sustain a brand for what, like, 170 years? You don’t last that long solely on chumps buying adapters and batteries from geeky, pimple-faced idiots.

“They were selling cheap electronic crap before there was electricity. No, someone with a brain is behind it all. Unless there’s just been a revolving door of incompetent CEOs driving the brand deeper into the ground while sucker shareholders think ‘Maybe this one will turn it around.’ What? Really?!? Oh...”

Krumpton, who until recently served as Chair for the Desperate Organization of Laggards Trying to Survive (DOLTS), oversaw the merger of his organization with FLOPS earlier in the year.

“Through the potent combination of FLOPS and DOLTS, we will create even more new and exciting ways for consumers to find relevance in our brands. Either that, or we’ll live forever in infamy on YouTube for running pathetic and tasteless commercials that flushed the last of our money and sent us into bankruptcy. Again. That, and forcing otherwise respected and proud athletes to act as shills for our worthless dreck.

“At the very least, we hope to end up with some cool cycling gear we can probably sell on eBay.”

Rather Than Lose Five Pounds, Rider Spends $10k Making Bike Five Pounds Lighter

A few weeks ago, Dan McKutcheon’s 2006 Scott CR-1 weighed a scant 15.63 pounds, “But it could be lighter,” argues McKutcheon.

Though McKutcheon, by his own admission “could lose a few pounds,” he embarked on a quest to lighten his bicycle rather than himself.

“I figured by the time I get through joining a gym, or buying some workout equipment – a StairMaster or some crap – I’d be looking at the same amount it would cost me to totally pimp out my bike,” explains McKutcheon.

“What would I rather have in a couple of years? Some treadmill or a goddam BowFlex collecting dust, or a bike that’s the envy of every other cyclist? I’ll take the fly-weight bike, thank you.”

In his quest, McKutcheon was soon scouring weightweenies.com for suggestions and shortly thereafter, made contact with Bike Tuning Parts of Germany, a specialty manufacturer of “pretty much everything out of carbon.”

“B-T-P was able to help me out with the fine details – like a 6 gram bottle cage, aluminum plates for my Speedplays, and carbon lever mounting hardware. But I had to go big on the stuff that makes the biggest difference.

“Take the wheels for instance. I mean, Bontrager Race XXX Lites are nice, but they’re no Lightweights. There’s four grand right there, but I save, like, 400 grams.

“I even got a Selle Italia C64 saddle. It’s uncomfortable as hell – like sitting on a goddam carbon brick – and cost $469, but at 64 grams? Are you friggin’ kidding me? If I could charge the guys on the coffee ride just to touch it, it would pay for itself in a couple of weeks.”

After several weeks, and roughly $9,700 dollars spent upgrading nearly every component and accessory on his bike – from ceramic bearings and titanium screws, to carbon fiber derailleur clamps and brake arms – and even drilling out his chainrings for that eighties retro look, McKutcheon assesses the progress.

“Practically the only things that aren’t carbon on this bike are the tires, cables, a few screws, and my ass – though you could argue that really, that’s made out of carbon, too.”

With all of his upgrades complete, McKutcheon’s rig now tips the scales at just under eleven and a half pounds, or over four pounds lighter than it was originally. However, at 192 pounds, McKutcheon is still unable to ride his bike.

“After all that, I’m left with a bike that would crumble beneath anyone weighing more than one sixty-five. Now I've got to lose even more weight!

“Damn!” exclaimed McKutcheon, simultaneously crushing his empty Pabst can.

Re-inventing The Wheel: The Meyviq Arse-S (satire)

Guest blog author: Mark Steckline

Finally, a wheel that does more than roll down the road! The new Meyviq Arse-S has broken all the rules. The new wheel not only succeeds in rolling like your typical wheel, but has the capability of literally "launching" you down the road, creating an intense boost when you least expect it. Adding this wheel set to your quiver of high tech components will certainly make you the talk of your weekly group ride. You will soon be giving performances that no one will soon forget.

The technology underlying the Arse-S is a closely guarded secret at Meyviq. But when contacted by this reporter and pressed about the ability of their wheel to "explode" out of corners and "dissolve" while hugging the tightest corners while flying down a mountain road, hubris took over and they felt they had to share more of the technology surrounding this wheel.

Meyviq says the Arse-S is developed as a compression/tension carbon fiber spoke rather than the traditional tension spoke system. When designing the Arse-S, Meyviq said they were looking for something more than a wheel that just spins predictably. To do this, they ultimately had to rely upon design based upon the physics of string theory and particle physics, which allows Meyviq to incorporate random generated variables into wheel performance. Explaining how the new wheel is designed, Meyviq spokesman, Rip Meoff, states "Over the next few years, string theory and particle physics are really going to become more standard in wheel and overall bike design.

Both string theory and particle physics include random components that give the new Arse-S everything that a traditional wheel includes, plus that little extra "je ne sais quoi" that boosts performance. Clearly, when you base your wheel design on the same math used to explain black holes and predict time travel, you have a wheel that has tremendous potential. While we still don't understand all of the math underlying the new design, the benefit is clear: the possibility to travel through time should the wheel hit the "sweet spot" of speed, vibration, rider weight, and proximity to a 1500 foot dropoff"

Knowing that Meyviq was on to something radically different, they knew they also had to make a "quantum leap" in the quality control systems for the new wheel. Mr. Meoff continues, "Meyviq used to base quality control on traditional methods, such as six sigma, and other time tested quality control mechanisms. We began to question how applicable these methods would be to a wheel that is based upon mathematical models that few people understand and in many ways are not yet fully developed or supported in the scientific community. The problem with using our old quality control process was that we were often left without any real world failures to study. Thus we never really knew what could fail or how bad things could get. We believe this is what the cyclist is really concerned about -- what is the incremental risk to get that incremental performance edge? Not some six sigma, whatchamacallit evaluation that ensures failure is remote.

As a result, we decided to move solely to mathematically derived product testing. Meyviq solely relies on equations to prove our products will work, albeit in a random manner. This saves Meyviq considerable time to market and placed the product out on the road much sooner than if we would have used our traditional quality control approach. We believe this is what our customers want: Performance, but with the potential for the random ability of time travel. We think we've built that into the Arse-S wheel system."

Along with this new approach to quality control, Meyviq has instituted a replacement policy for the Arse-S wheelset. In the event the wheel does randomly fail, customers can return the wheel to Meyviq and they will replace the wheel within six months. "In the interim", Mr. Meoff explains, "you most likely will be recovering from a few bumps and bruises anyway, so an immediate replacement policy really didn't seem to make sense to us."

New Chain Cleaning Tool Actually Cleans Chain

“Over the years, the only thing these devices have been successful in cleaning is my wallet,” laments Tom Freemire. “I was fed up with these so-called chain cleaners just dispersing what grease and grime was once localized on my chain – in effect, making a small mess larger. My chain may be clean, but everything else within a ten-foot radius now has grease on it.”

That was before Tom experienced the Chain-Inator 9000.

“The local snooty pro bike shop had one, so I inquired about the prospect of private ownership. At first I was dismissed as a nutter, but then they realized I was serious.”

With a price tag of just over $12,000 the new Chain-Inator 9000 may be out of reach for some, but for those seeking a completely mess-free and thorough bike chain cleaning and lubrication device, no price is too high.

Freemire was game.

“I figured it was worth it. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. I’d rather pay twelve grand now, than drop $40 every few months for the latest fad in chain cleaning.”

Included in the Chain-Inator price tag is a continuous maintenance contract.

“This thing comes with its own waste disposal system,” continues Freemire. “Once a month, guys in haz-mat suits show up in a helicopter to refill the solvent and lube tanks, and to empty and clean the waste reservoir. Awesome! The neighbors think it’s a terrorist attack, but that’s part of the enjoyment of Chain-Inator ownership.”

Though happy with his new chain cleaning device, the Chain-Inator 9000 has its drawbacks, namely its size. “One of our cars has to sit outside now so that we can put the Chain-Inator in the garage,” explains Freemire. “My wife isn’t happy that she now has to park her Jag in the driveway, but there’s no way I’m letting the Chain-Inator sit out in the elements.”

Another drawback, continues Freemire, is that “Suddenly, everybody in the (Upper Westminster Cycling) club wants to be my friend – and oddly, have their chain cleaned. What a surprise.

“I say, ‘Sure! Just drop off your bike with a nice bottle of Cabernet.’ Some Silver Oak or Opus One and they might have it within the hour.”

What about Two-Buck Chuck?

“It may be a week or two.”

Contador Arrested for Launching Series of Attacks on Quiet French Village

Amid Alberto Contador’s bid for the 2009 Tour de France title, French authorities arrested the Spaniard at the conclusion of Friday’s stage for the “unconscionable disregard for humanity” he demonstrated in the series of attacks he launched against his adversaries, particularly during the final ascent of the Col du Grabasse, which passes through the previously peaceful village of Duvet.

“We’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaims elder resident Raphael Dornier. “Alberto showed no respect for any human life, including his own. His complete and utter annihilation of other competitors was so merciless that we had no other choice than to notify the local gendarmerie.”

“France has been attacked by many countries over the years, but never by Spain. I don’t think,” observes local teen Antoine Telmosse. “Maybe once or twice. But that was, like, back in the Stone Age or something.”

Witnesses described Contador’s attacks as “brutal,” “vicious,” “savage,” “searing,” and “like, really, really fast.”

Astana’s Directeur Sportif, Johan Bruyneel, reacted to Contador's arrest with shock and disgust. “I havenever and could never imagine such a development. Never has the Tour, a team, and a rider been so disgraced by the intrusion and intervention of the authorities.”

“Contador is completely innocent,” continues Bruyneel. “If anyone is guilty here it’s the other self-proclaimed ‘GC contenders’ for being so pathetic in their inability to match their bold words to the press. ‘I will attack.’ ‘I will prevail.’ Yadda, yadda, yadda. Pffft! They forgot ‘I will bonk and abandon.’ The only thing Alberto is guilty of is keeping his word and bringing honor to the sport and the grandeur of the Tour.”

Bob Roll, observing from the VS. network commentator’s booth, was rendered nearly catatonic by the devastation he witnessed and could only utter “Boom! Pow! Zoom!” Clearly traumatized and scarcely intelligible, Roll was taken away for psychiatric observation.

Phil Liggett Exhausts World's Supply of Cycling Analogies

After nearly four decades as the preeminent voice of professional cycling, Phil Liggett recently used up the last cycling analogy available.

Experts had warned Liggett in recent years that cycling performance analogy resources were running dangerously low. Despite these warnings, however, he continued to deplete vocabulary reserves at a reckless pace.

In 2004, authorities cautioned Liggett after his “excessive use” surrounding Davide Rebellin’s hat-trick of classics victories at the Amstel Gold Race, La Flèche Wallonne and Liège-Bastogne-Liège that year. Liggett’s commentary caused a pronounced dip in resources, and, experts warned, if he were to continue depleting word stores at such a high rate, analogy levels could be critically low by 2007, and entirely depleted by as early as 2010.

However, these warnings came before the unanticipated trials and tribulations of the pro cycling ranks, including ongoing doping allegations of the sport’s top stars.

Armstrong’s return to the sport was alone responsible for excessive use of analogies.

“When Lance came out of retirement, it was the commentating equivalent of wiping out an entire Brazilian rainforest. The devastation was unprecedented,” exclaims Claude Valmont, Director for the French Regional Oral Ministry for Affairs of Grammar and Expression (FROMAGE).

Other commentators have complained that “(Phil) uses up the best ones and then there’s not much left for the rest of us,” says a commentator from a competing network, preferring to remain anonymous. “After he’s done describing a race, all we’re left with is zingers like ‘He rode really fast.’ Oooh! Whoopee.”

Regarding his preparation for the 2009 Tour, “I thought I’d packed enough analogies,” says Liggett. “But we’re not even to the first rest day, and I get a call from one of my suppliers saying ‘Phil, we’ve got a problem.’ I was stunned.”

Liggett was dismayed to find a lack of sympathy among his compatriots. “You’d think after all we’ve been through, Paul (Sherwen) would share some of his. Right! I’d have better luck asking him for bone marrow. And don’t think for a moment I’d stoop to borrow some from Bob (Roll). If I used his words, people would think I’ve had a stroke.”

Despite the setback, Liggett remains undeterred. “There are rumors of a rich, new discovery of cycling analogies in the Baikal Lake region of Siberia. But permitting could be tricky—to say nothing of extraction and transportation logistics.”

“For now, though, I’ll have to get by with the basic adjectives, or get more creative in my analogies.”

With that, Liggett’s eyes suddenly sparkled with inspiration as he exclaimed, “Cavendish is charging down the finishing straight like a furloughed polygamist…um, a startled hedgehog…er, an incontinent bridesmaid!!

“Hmmm…still needs some work.”

Bike Shop Employee Actually Polite, Helpful—Not Bitter Amateur Racer

Glen Lawson is fed up with the attitude he commonly encounters at the bike shops he frequents around his home in Lakewood, Colorado.

“In most shops, you’ve got an assortment of rude Cat 3 racers working,” Lawson explains. “Le Cyclery is the worst. They’re too busy recounting the last office park crit to help you find some 27” Shraeder tubes and Mr. Tuffys for your commuter. Their condescension is palpable.

“It’s like I’m bothering them to give them my money,” continues Lawson. “If you’re not there to drop thousands on some fancy carbon rig, a Campy gruppo, or some Zipp wheels, they won’t give you the time of day.”

Contrary to his experiences at Le Cyclery, Lawson commends the atmosphere he recently encountered at The Local Bike Shop. “They’re new and I figured they couldn’t be any worse, so I decided to give them a shot.”

Lawson was immediately impressed.

“Right away, I noticed a big difference. As soon as I entered the store, I was directed to sit in a big recliner by a polite clerk named Travis. While he gave me a foot rub, another clerk asked what items I was looking for. She then proceeded to retrieve what I needed for me while I got a hot towel treatment and a chair massage. The whole time, the kids were going nuts in their professionally staffed ‘KidZone.’”

But the great experience didn’t end there.

“After a cappuccino at their oxygen bar, I was ready to check out. But they have some crazy loyalty program, too. Combined with their grand opening promotion, not only did I leave the store without paying for anything, I somehow now have $167 in store credit. Unbelievable!

“I also got some free water bottles and candy for the kids. When I got out to my car, it had been washed and waxed. Later, Travis swung by the house to drop off a tray of homemade enchiladas for dinner. I mean, when was the last time you got service like that?”

Sadly, The Local Bike Shop was short-lived.

“I was definitely planning to give them more of my business, but when I stopped by for some Tri-Flow a few days later, the place was boarded up. What a bummer. I guess it’s true what they say. The brightest light burns the briefest.

“But now what’s my $167 worth?!? They’ll definitely be hearing from my attorney!!”

Tandem Stoker Tired of Staring at Husband’s Ass

Veteran tandem enthusiast, Heather Coburn, is growing increasingly frustrated with her role as the perpetual stoker on the tandem she shares with her husband, Gene.

“I was all for it when he sold me on the idea a few years back, but now I think I got the butt end of the deal—literally,” says Coburn. “It’s okay for shorter distances, but after about hour three of a century ride, I’m sick of it. And I’ll never ride with Gene again after we’ve had Thai food the night before. I might as well be drafting a porta-potty pumper.”

Coburn describes how she unwittingly found herself relegated to the role of stoker.

“I was intrigued by the novelty of the tandem at first. But the novelty soon wore off. Gene’s as happy as can be out in front. He’s up there—nose in the wind, big goofy grin as he pilots us—totally oblivious to the never-changing view that is my hell.”

Besides the unchanging view of her husband’s backside, there is other unpleasantness.

“Going uphill is the worst,” explains Coburn. “Only the most skilled tandem duo can get out of the saddle together. We’re not quite there, so when he gets out of the saddle, his Black Bottoms practically chafe my nose. It’s disgusting.”

Don’t get me wrong, he’s got a nice butt—especially from all of the cycling we do. But like anything else, too much of a good thing can be unhealthy. Even after 22 years of marriage, there’s still areas of our lives where it’s possible to share too much information.”

Coburn feels she was suckered into the lure of a tandem and wants to warn others.

“Couples see us and they think ‘Oh, how cute! That looks like fun! We should get a tandem.’ Don’t fall for it. The tandem industry doesn’t want you to know that the stoker’s role is one of indentured servitude. It’s a dirty secret."

Coburn adds, “If you ever see a smiling stoker, they’re in on the ruse. They’ve been duped, so they want others to be fooled too so they’re not alone. Misery loves company.”

Coburn is on an inspired quest to expose the tandem stoker’s reality.

“Until now, no-one’s been brave enough to come forward with the ugly truth out of fear of reprisal from the tandem Mafia. I want my story—and that of other stokers—to be told in a Lifetime original movie. Or at least in a segment on Maury. I’m also thinking of starting a stoker support group.

“Unless you’re a proctologist, that’s way too long to spend with your face four inches from someone’s ass.”

Visiting Americans “Totally Blank” on What to Write on Giro Course

Visiting American cycling fans Tony Marzavas and Mark Horton were recently frustrated as they tried to think of something clever to write on the Giro d'Italia course.

The two pondered what to write in the road on the ascent of Croce d’Aune during the Giro’s fourth stage on Wednesday from Padova to San Martino di Costrazza.

Horton explains that after traveling all the way from Columbus, Ohio “we were pretty flustered when we couldn’t think of anything clever.

“We staked out the perfect spot – right near the King of the Mountains sprint at the summit. But by the time we got situated, we both just kinda looked at each other. We totally blanked.”

Their momentary lapse in concentration made them uneasy.

“We tried not to panic. After leaving our families and spending thousands to get here, this was our chance to get a nanosecond of television coverage and cement our legacy. If we wrote something poignant, the riders would notice it and fondly recall later, ‘Remember when we were climbing Sestrière and someone had written Go Levi! in the road? That was nice.’”

Once their creative juices started flowing however, the pair was dismayed to realize that many of their favored options were already taken.

“We’re here to support Astana, but by the time we found a good spot, somebody had already written Levi! Levi! Levi! nearby. A little bit further up, someone had written Go Lance! in giant letters. Right below it, there was a big Chris Horner. I mean, who’s left? Popovych? Brajkovic?!? Are you kidding me? There’s no way in hell I’m going to try to spell either of them and risk a typo that might be seen by millions of viewers. Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re not American anyway.

“Of course, someone had already drawn a giant penis. Damn.”

Undeterred, the duo dug deep to think of something that would stand out. “We finally ended up writing Vive le Giro. We got a few funny looks from some Italians – or maybe they were French. But I think they were just jealous that they didn’t think of it first.

“After some initial panic about our options, we were satisfied. It’s not in direct support of Astana per sé, but reflects our passion for the Tour. I mean Giro. I can’t wait to check the DVR when we get back to see our work immortalized.

“I wonder if the news will be waiting for us at the airport when we return.”

Drunk Belgians Argue: Who Was Better? Thorju Yosteen or Justeen Thoryos?

Alcohol-fueled tensions were running high among Belgian cycling fans Saturday night at Le Fluurgen Klopp, a popular pub in the working class suburb of Assebroek* outside the industrial city of Faargenkold.

The topics of tonight’s heated debate were the storied careers of two unsung Belgian amateurs. In between orders for another Stella Artois, the argument raged.

“Thorju Yosteen!”

“Justeen Thoryos!!”

Yosteen won the coveted Blort-Flerg-Blort in 1972, just edging his more seasoned teammate, Thoryos, as members of the short-lived Zoop Knurd squad. Thus began an intense rivalry that characterized many Belgian amateur races throughout the seventies.

Few Belgians will forget when Thoryos won the ’73 Shaartsnortt kermesse series. Yosteen claimed that Thoryos had given him a ‘Belgian hickey’ —licking his pinky finger and sticking it in Yosteen’s ear, thus distracting him to gain the victory. Officials failed to witness the alleged offense, and despite Yosteen’s protest, Thoryos retained the win.

Their intensely competitive tactics continued in the ’74 Korntuurd Classic when Yosteen gave Thoryos a ‘Belgian rugburn’ —lighting Thoryos’ jersey on fire as they rode, and escaping for the win amid the confusion and disarray as Thoryos flailed to remove his flaming garment.

Thoryos saught revenge in the 43rd running of the Hoon Vaarg Vannddderrrdaasssen Boont in 1975. Thoryos co-conspirators saw to it that Yosteen received a ‘Belgian lunchbag’ —a musette filled with lead weights. As Yosteen sped through the feed zone, he crashed heavily and dislocated his right shoulder as he reached for the approximately 200 kilo food tote.

When Yosteen resumed racing in the 1976 Puupfaart Race, their aggressive racing action turned borderline murderous when Yosteen gave Thoryos a ‘Belgian appendectomy’ —stabbing Thoryos in the side with a tire iron.

Sadly, both riders’ careers ended prematurely when during the 1977 Ronde Van Boogerflikk, they received lifetime bans after mutually attempting to inflict a ‘Belgian waffle’ —throwing popular breakfast pastries at each other during the race.


*This is a real town in Belgium. Look it up. All other names of pubs, cities, riders, teams, races, and 'Belgian anything' (except waffles) are fictional. Duh.

Directeur Sportif Can Yell “Go! Go! Go!” in Seventeen Languages

“I can also shout ‘you’re worthless!’ and ‘you’re not getting paid this month!’” proudly proclaims Stein Van der Plorken, Directeur Sportif for the Danish continental squad, Hoonvurp KD.

“Our team is like the goddam UN,” explains Van der Plorken. “In team meetings, when I speak in my native tongue, I get blank stares from most of the room. And don’t even get me started on the friggin’ Kazakhs.

“I know they can understand me, but they still just sit there – making me look like an idiot.”

“He thinks we’re from Uzbekistan or someplace,” explains neo-pro Yurpi Devnichek through a translator. “He’s always shouting some crazy language at us. It sorta sounds like Russian, but Mirka (Tserdignyev) and I are Albanian. Stein thinks if he repeats himself louder and slower, we’ll somehow understand. We have no idea what the hell he’s talking about until Prevak, the soigneur, tells us.

“It’s tense for a moment or two, but it’s kinda fun seeing him get so worked up.”

The demands on his knowledge of languages frustrate Van der Plorken. “When we signed the new kid from Estonia, I about lost it. Great! There’s another 100 Euro I get to spend on RosettaStone just so I can talk to some guy for a couple of months before he quits or we sack him. I should own stock in that goddam software.”

Van der Plorken explains his approach to conversing with such a diverse squad. “It’s impossible to be fluent in all the riders’ languages. I learn the bare minimum just so I can communicate the essentials. Principally, it’s what needs to be said on the road to motivate them. Phrases like ‘go faster or you’re fired!’ tend to be the most effective.

“Another useful phrase is ‘your mommy isn’t here.’”

Van der Plorken continues, “I don’t care what country you’re from, everyone understands ‘doping control!’ Man, it’s fun to yell that in the middle of the night and watch them scurry like roaches.

“Take that, you wise-ass Kazakhs.”

Tour de France Caravan Mishap Causes Massive Tchotchke Spill

The Tour de France was marred by an accident today among the parade of vehicles that prelude the racers.

The carnage began when a giant tea kettle failed to note the slowing weird balloon car it was following and plowed into the rear of the ‘vehicle.’

The accident triggered a chain reaction sending some sort of motorized hat and a platform of dancing teens singing about banking into the fray. A wheeled spinning top and a historic Citroen carrying models in kitchen aprons completed the pileup.

Though no serious injuries were reported, the accident sent a tchotchke volume “of cataclysmic proportions” spilling into the roadway.

French haz-mat teams (Response Hazard Français) were immediately dispatched to the scene to contain the spill and begin the laborious clean up of thousands of pointless novelties—crappy keychains, magnets, and other “bizarre twisty thingys.”

“We couldn’t figure out what those damn things were,” explains RHF captain Christophe L’Amont. “But needless to say, no-one wanted to touch them. I’m glad we had the tongs.”

Witnesses describe a scene of chaos and panic. “When the first dumb little novelty pen landed at my feet, I feared the worst and screamed ‘Omigod! No!’ when my daughter reached to pick it up,” recounts visiting American, Steve Burress.

“I quickly swept her up and climbed to higher ground to escape the toxic flood. She was sad at first for not getting the pen, but she’ll thank me later for sparing her the grief of realizing it’s worthless crap.”

The French emergency response teams made short order of the spill clean up to ensure that the race was not delayed. “We got to use some special equipment we’ve picked up in anticipation of just such a mishap,” explains L’Amont. “Looks like the snow shovels and Hefty trash bags were pretty good investments after all.”

“It was absolute merde that no-one in their right mind would assign any value to whatsoever. Some marketing geniuses dream those up—just so that it can all now choke our landfills.”

Due to the volume, however, “we couldn’t get it all,” continues L’Amont. “We just did what we could to keep the race schedule. We’ll have to go back to truly assess the environmental impact and the long-term effects of the disaster. It’s imperative to understand the ramifications of such an event and properly educate the public.

“In terms of importance, it’s probably a close second to global warming.”

Bob Roll Fractures Fingers, Wrist Explaining Sprint

In his trademark gesticulations, Bob Roll injured his hands recently as he described the sprint capping off the Tour of Flanders.

In his patently passionate mannerisms, as his hands flailed, they inadvertently collided, fracturing Roll’s little “pinkie” and ring finger of his left hand as well as his right wrist.

With both hands now immobilized in casts, it was originally feared that Roll would be rendered mute and therefore unable to fulfill his duties as a commentator on Versus.

Fellow commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen expressed concern.

“Like a torn ligament to a cyclist, this type of injury can be devastating to a commentator’s career – especially to someone of Bob’s…er,…'style',” explains Sherwen. “He’s like an Italian grandmother on speed. If you’re within an arm’s length of Bob when he starts explaining a race, if you’re not careful, you could lose an eye.”

Roll is confident in a full recovery. “I’ll be alright. I’ll just have to talk a little bit slower and softer for a while. It’ll be hard – especially with Paris-Roubaix coming up, but I think I can manage.”

Roll was then suddenly distracted by a video of the recent Ghent-Wevelgem finale and showered the room with splintering fiberglass – shattering both casts as he began to explain the race dynamics.

‘Popemobile’ Commissioned for Tour de France Commissaire

In an effort to view Tour de France proceedings better and more comfortably, chief race commissaire, Philippe Dufault, has ordered the delivery of a purpose-built vehicle from which to oversee the event. Early renderings of the design bear a striking resemblance to the so-called ‘Popemobile.’

“I’m tired of sticking my head through the sunroof of a Peugeot like a goddam gopher,” complains Dufault. “I’m the freaking Chief Commissaire, and I’m standing up in a sedan like a drunk teen on prom night, getting my hair messed up and bugs in my teeth.”

“It’s disgraceful. I’ve had enough,” continues Dufault. “I finally figured if the Pope can have a sweet ride, then certainly the Tour Commissaire deserves one too.”

La Toussuire Coachworks has been commissioned to build the special car. Gilbert Gramont of LTC explains, “It’s an unusual request, but we are more than happy to build this one-of-a-kind vehicle.”

Besides providing nearly 360-degrees of unobstructed viewing, Gramont describes some of the car’s other special features. “It’s mostly glass – basically a big fishbowl – so we were a little surprised by his request to include a toilet and bidet, but hey, who are we to judge? Whatever he wants, we’ll build it.”

Dufault defends the unusual accoutrements. “The stages are long, and as with the riders, nature calls. I’ll gladly forego a little privacy rather than stop and dash over a hedge, behind a rock wall, or be subjected to the indignity of a porta-potty. Ewww.”

“If I do this, I’m going big. I don’t plan on giving up my post anytime soon, so I want it to have as many creature comforts as possible,” continues Dufault. “I may even add a mini-bar.”

Asked if his car might be confused with the actual ‘Popemobile,’ Dufault is unapologetic. “It’s fine if people think I’m the Pope. If they want to get down on their knees and bow to me, throw roses and the like, that’s fine. Frankly, I deserve that sort of respect anyway.”

La Toussuire Coach plans to base the vehicle on the chassis of a BMW X5, “but that’s where the similarity ends,” Gramont continues. Besides the passenger dome, “Dufault wants some engine modifications as well. We’re not sure exactly what they are, though, as his direction to ‘build something that hauls ass’ was a little vague.

“I think if we just put some loud pipes and bitchin’ spinners on it, he’ll be happy.”

Row over ‘Safety Bicycle’ Causes Buttocks Baring

The appearance of a newfangled “safety bicycle” in Wumbler Square last Saturday afternoon caused quite a stir. Several nearby penny-farthing riders took notable offense.

“I was atop my lov’ly penny when I observed some contemptuous rapscallions bandying about with a so-called ‘safety bike,’” quoteth Sir Langley Winchester III of Tuppence Row. “Abominations, I say!”

Winchester’s opine was roundly lauded with an uproarious “Hear, hear!” from none other than notable socialite E. Oliver Farnsworth (of his namesake’s goose quill fortune and fame).

Other members of The Pottsdam High-Wheel Flyers, the sporting club in which messrs Winchester and Farnsworth are members, are similarly bemused by these curiously contrived cousins to the velocipede.

Winford Goodfellow observes, “The velo was rendered obsolete by the arrival of the grand high wheel. That these bastard half-brother contraptions should appear at their wake is most troubling to those of us who would rather see society advance than…than…the opposite of advance. Humph.”

This stern dismissal of the odd-looking “safety” elicited another hearty “Hear, hear!” from Farnsworth.

“Those street urchins and their wretched machine are an affront to cultured bicycle enthusiasts. Why, they aren’t even wearing proper derbies,” added Winchester. “Let them return it to the sewers from which it—and they—emerged.”

“Hear, hear!”

Timmy Doogan, apparent possessor of the peculiar “safety” was heard to comment, “Those high wheelers on their high horses, they think they're so keen. What a bunch of knebbish walfoonies. They wouldn’t know a great new invention if it nibbled on their hindquarters, the stoogie gompers!”

With that, Doogan appeared to be adjusting his trousers when he suddenly exposed his knickers in the direction of the high-wheel riders, one of whom was so distracted by the outrageous scene, he toppled—narrowly escaping grievous injury from the six-foot fall, his impact cushioned by horse manure.