Saturday, July 25, 2009

Armstrong Wins 44th Tour de France on Eve of 100th Birthday

EURO DISNEY, FRANCE, July 29, 2071 – Lance Armstrong wrapped up the overall title today in the 2071 Tour de France, and increased his record of Tour de France trophies to 44.

In what has largely become a non-event due to its predictability, Armstrong is certain to win the now one-man race by simply finishing. Since 2049, other pro riders have refused to enter the event—out of both fear and respect for the aging Armstrong.

“He wins anyway if we are there, so why race?” says Thrzx Novowels of the Latvian squad Knrpt Wsdjg (formerly Bvrd Ptrsjm). “It is futile. I’d rather focus on races where I have a chance of winning. With Lance on the start list, forget it. How would it look to lose to some old guy with a drool cup?”

In 2052, the finish was moved away from the city center to Euro Disney after promoters relented to mounting pressure from Parisian officials. “We are not going to shut down the Champs-Élysées so one goddam American can parade around on his bike around for a few hours,” says Paris mayor, Francois Routin.

The only rider who even comes close to Lance’s record is his own son, Luke, who won Le Grand Boucle 26 straight times from 2022-2047.

“It was tough finishing a step down from my own son those years,” says the elder Armstrong. “I was incredibly proud of him, but those were some pretty tense years between Luke and me. We've only recently resumed correspondence—though he's probably just trying to get back in my will.”

Luke’s success in the event added even more fuel to the love-hate relationship between the French and the dominant Armstrong father-son duo. “The Tour historians are pissed because they now have to put our entire first names in the book—they can’t just put an ‘L.’ Hah! Suck on that, Frenchies!!”

About his son’s decision to leave the sport—and leave his dad as the sole event participant—Armstrong continues, “Ultimately, I kicked his ass. He retired when he was only in his late forties. I still ride him about that.”

Though nearing 100, the spry Armstrong is still a force on a bike. To account for his age, the event has been stretched over the years from three weeks to its present duration of nearly four months. In its heyday, Tour de France stages were commonly well over 100 miles long, but, explains Armstrong, “Now, after 10 miles, I’m pooped and need a nap.”

Friday, July 24, 2009

Contador Arrested for Launching Series of Attacks on Quiet French Village

Amid Alberto Contador’s bid for the 2009 Tour de France title, French authorities arrested the Spaniard at the conclusion of Friday’s stage for the “unconscionable disregard for humanity” he demonstrated in the series of attacks he launched against his adversaries, particularly during the final ascent of the Col du Grabasse, which passes through the previously peaceful village of Duvet.

“We’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaims elder resident Raphael Dornier. “Alberto showed no respect for any human life, including his own. His complete and utter annihilation of other competitors was so merciless that we had no other choice than to notify the local gendarmerie.”

“France has been attacked by many countries over the years, but never by Spain. I don’t think,” observes local teen Antoine Telmosse. “Maybe once or twice. But that was, like, back in the Stone Age or something.”

Witnesses described Contador’s attacks as “brutal,” “vicious,” “savage,” “searing,” and “like, really, really fast.”

Astana’s Directeur Sportif, Johan Bruyneel, reacted to Contador's arrest with shock and disgust. “I havenever and could never imagine such a development. Never has the Tour, a team, and a rider been so disgraced by the intrusion and intervention of the authorities.”

“Contador is completely innocent,” continues Bruyneel. “If anyone is guilty here it’s the other self-proclaimed ‘GC contenders’ for being so pathetic in their inability to match their bold words to the press. ‘I will attack.’ ‘I will prevail.’ Yadda, yadda, yadda. Pffft! They forgot ‘I will bonk and abandon.’ The only thing Alberto is guilty of is keeping his word and bringing honor to the sport and the grandeur of the Tour.”

Bob Roll, observing from the VS. network commentator’s booth, was rendered nearly catatonic by the devastation he witnessed and could only utter “Boom! Pow! Zoom!” Clearly traumatized and scarcely intelligible, Roll was taken away for psychiatric observation.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Phil Liggett Exhausts World's Supply of Cycling Analogies

After nearly four decades as the preeminent voice of professional cycling, Phil Liggett recently used up the last cycling analogy available.

Experts had warned Liggett in recent years that cycling performance analogy resources were running dangerously low. Despite these warnings, however, he continued to deplete vocabulary reserves at a reckless pace.

In 2004, authorities cautioned Liggett after his “excessive use” surrounding Davide Rebellin’s hat-trick of classics victories at the Amstel Gold Race, La Flèche Wallonne and Liège-Bastogne-Liège that year. Liggett’s commentary caused a pronounced dip in resources, and, experts warned, if he were to continue depleting word stores at such a high rate, analogy levels could be critically low by 2007, and entirely depleted by as early as 2010.

However, these warnings came before the unanticipated trials and tribulations of the pro cycling ranks, including ongoing doping allegations of the sport’s top stars.

Armstrong’s return to the sport was alone responsible for excessive use of analogies.

“When Lance came out of retirement, it was the commentating equivalent of wiping out an entire Brazilian rainforest. The devastation was unprecedented,” exclaims Claude Valmont, Director for the French Regional Oral Ministry for Affairs of Grammar and Expression (FROMAGE).

Other commentators have complained that “(Phil) uses up the best ones and then there’s not much left for the rest of us,” says a commentator from a competing network, preferring to remain anonymous. “After he’s done describing a race, all we’re left with is zingers like ‘He rode really fast.’ Oooh! Whoopee.”

Regarding his preparation for the 2009 Tour, “I thought I’d packed enough analogies,” says Liggett. “But we’re not even to the first rest day, and I get a call from one of my suppliers saying ‘Phil, we’ve got a problem.’ I was stunned.”

Liggett was dismayed to find a lack of sympathy among his compatriots. “You’d think after all we’ve been through, Paul (Sherwen) would share some of his. Right! I’d have better luck asking him for bone marrow. And don’t think for a moment I’d stoop to borrow some from Bob (Roll). If I used his words, people would think I’ve had a stroke.”

Despite the setback, Liggett remains undeterred. “There are rumors of a rich, new discovery of cycling analogies in the Baikal Lake region of Siberia. But permitting could be tricky—to say nothing of extraction and transportation logistics.”

“For now, though, I’ll have to get by with the basic adjectives, or get more creative in my analogies.”

With that, Liggett’s eyes suddenly sparkled with inspiration as he exclaimed, “Cavendish is charging down the finishing straight like a furloughed polygamist…um, a startled hedgehog…er, an incontinent bridesmaid!!

“Hmmm…still needs some work.”
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