Friday, April 23, 2010

Unknown Rider Wins Prestigious Bike Race, Tests Positive for Spinach

“Everybody just went ‘Whoah…who the hell is that?’ when he shot out of the bunch,” explains Kjel Schokked. “Immediately the speculation began. Riders began whispering he’s probably leafing.

Leafing is the common slang of the pro cycling peloton for eating spinach – the iron-laden vegetable banned for its potent and often unpredictable performance stimulation.

WADA has yet to perfect testing protocols to detect the presence of the highly nutritious leafy green. Abuse is feared rampant among pro cyclists, however only the most seasoned riders are able to avoid suspicion by controlling the boost in strength eating a packet of spinach can bring a rider.

“Some say he popped a LEG (leafy edible green) packet back among the team cars,” continues Schokked. “The surge of vitamins and nutrients made his legs swell abnormally. I guess he’s more of a climber, but when he went by me, he made (Eric) Heiden look like (Alberto) Contador. They were circus-freak massive.”

WADA is frustrated in their efforts to catch leafers.

“There are no effective tests for leafing,” bemoans WADA president, Dick Pound. “In the absence of the ability to directly detect spinach, we look for external signs. Sudden and often violent performance bursts are key indicators. Freakish swelling of leg muscle tissue is usually a dead giveaway. Add to that an unhealthy attraction to abnormally skinny, homely, and whiny women and you’ve probably got yourself a case of leafing.”

Other tell-tale behaviors can betray a potential leafer.

“Sometimes a leafing rider goes into a mysterious, euphoric state and can only utter ‘Ack-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk’ repeatedly. Strangely, we’ve often found a corn cob pipe in the possession of riders suspected of leafing, but we’ve yet to determine its purpose.”

The shroud of mystery around the rider doesn’t stop at leafing, Pound continues.

“We believe he was also gussing (loading up on asparagus before a race) to benefit from the combined effects of the two incredibly healthy, vitamin-rich vegetables,” Pound suspects. “But again, gussing is something we’re unable to test for. No-one will go near their urine sample.

“Man, does their pee stink.”

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Study: Wearing Cycling Shoes in Cafés Linked To Posture Disorder, Abdominal Distension

In a recent study concluded by the Cycling-Related Ailment Panel (CRAP), researchers found evidence pairing frequent stops at coffee shops to increased incidence of acute posture disorder among the ranks of road cyclists. Additionally, rates of abdominal distension cases were elevated as well – both afflictions frequently occurring in the same subject.

Dr. Horst Grubner, Research Lead of CRAP, explains the findings.

“Roadies clomp about cafés in their cleats never noticing the effects the odd gate is having on their posture as they load up on bagels, muffins, and coffee. Little do they realize that the unusual angle created by the cleat when they walk is slowly turning them into spandex-clad Quasimodos.”

“But spinal alignment isn’t all these cycling respites is affecting,” Grubner continues.

“On top of hunching, we found a direct correlation between frequent café visits and elevated rates of abdominal distension cases. Though (Prof. Julius) Hornblatt would have you believe it’s just from them eating too much. Pfft. What a quack. He should just go back to breeding crop seeds already and leave real research to the big kids.”

Various cycling clubs from around the country were chosen as subjects of the three-year study observing nearly four hundred recreational and competitive cyclists. Over the period, participants logged a total of 187,313 stops for coffee and spent over US$1.8 million at cafés.

“Starbucks doesn’t want this study getting out for fear of lost revenues,” Grubner complains. “Panera, Noah’s and others are also trying to stall the release of our findings. If you extrapolate to the broader cycling community, losses could be in the billions.”

Those that want to squelch the study have CRAP in their crosshairs.

“This morning, when I entered the lab, someone had broken my favorite mug and scrawled “Silencio!” on the autoclave with a coffee bean. It was clearly the work of the Italian cappuccino collective.”

Grubner is undeterred.

“Their message was clear, but I will not be silenced.

"It is my solemn duty to let the cycling public know the ugly truth. Though you could probably argue that the posture degradation and developing belly paunch has just as much to do with the aging process of the subjects over the course of the study. I mean, it’s been three years.

“I’m sure I walk a little differently and have loosened my belt a notch or two.”
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