New Chain Cleaning Tool Actually Cleans Chain

“Over the years, the only thing these devices have been successful in cleaning is my wallet,” laments Tom Freemire. “I was fed up with these so-called chain cleaners just dispersing what grease and grime was once localized on my chain – in effect, making a small mess larger. My chain may be clean, but everything else within a ten-foot radius now has grease on it.”

That was before Tom experienced the Chain-Inator 9000.

“The local snooty pro bike shop had one, so I inquired about the prospect of private ownership. At first I was dismissed as a nutter, but then they realized I was serious.”

With a price tag of just over $12,000 the new Chain-Inator 9000 may be out of reach for some, but for those seeking a completely mess-free and thorough bike chain cleaning and lubrication device, no price is too high.

Freemire was game.

“I figured it was worth it. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. I’d rather pay twelve grand now, than drop $40 every few months for the latest fad in chain cleaning.”

Included in the Chain-Inator price tag is a continuous maintenance contract.

“This thing comes with its own waste disposal system,” continues Freemire. “Once a month, guys in haz-mat suits show up in a helicopter to refill the solvent and lube tanks, and to empty and clean the waste reservoir. Awesome! The neighbors think it’s a terrorist attack, but that’s part of the enjoyment of Chain-Inator ownership.”

Though happy with his new chain cleaning device, the Chain-Inator 9000 has its drawbacks, namely its size. “One of our cars has to sit outside now so that we can put the Chain-Inator in the garage,” explains Freemire. “My wife isn’t happy that she now has to park her Jag in the driveway, but there’s no way I’m letting the Chain-Inator sit out in the elements.”

Another drawback, continues Freemire, is that “Suddenly, everybody in the (Upper Westminster Cycling) club wants to be my friend – and oddly, have their chain cleaned. What a surprise.

“I say, ‘Sure! Just drop off your bike with a nice bottle of Cabernet.’ Some Silver Oak or Opus One and they might have it within the hour.”

What about Two-Buck Chuck?

“It may be a week or two.”