Pro Cyclist Accused of Doping Actually 'Fesses Up

Bort Schmelve, third-year pro with the Russian OGO-Vlermdeher squad, recently tested positive for blood doping resulting in unusually high hematocrit levels in his biological passport.

Addressing the media in a press conference Tuesday, Schmelve openly admitted his guilt.  “Yep, I did it.  I doped and got popped.  I am prepared to accept whatever punishment the UCI hands down.  I regret it, but I knowingly and willingly did something wrong and understand that I now must face the consequences and pay the penalty.”

Schmelve’s statement elicited a swift and strong reaction from the UCI.

“We cannot just accept his bold confession,” explains UCI spokesperson, Jacques Vassier.  “This is unacceptable behavior for a rider accused of doping.  There are proper protocols.  If he thinks he can get away with this, he’s got another thing coming.

“First, he must publicly and vehemently deny any wrong doing and proclaim an exhaustive list of possible explanations.  He must do his homework here to understand what excuses his predecessors have used.  Chimeric twins, tainted beef, poppy-seed muffins, South American candy, and shots of whiskey are some of the classics.  But they’ve been disproven – he must impress us with something new and outlandish like ‘I thought I was putting Splenda in my coffee but it turned out to be cocaine’ or ‘my elevated testosterone levels were from watching a WWF pay-per-view marathon.’  We may go lighter on him depending on the novelty and creativity of his explanation.

"Then, he must assemble an army of lawyers and medical experts to provide their own arguments and evidence debunking the UCI’s position.  These investigations and proceedings must be dragged out for many months if not years.  He must sue and file every legal claim imaginable to ‘defend his honor’ and postpone as long as possible his inevitable suspension from the sport.  Filing a lawsuit against ‘persons unknown’ for being ‘poisoned’ is one of my personal favorites.  That was some real out-of-the-box thinking there.

“When it is ultimately clear that he is guilty of doping, he must still, under no circumstances, admit guilt or apologize to his fans.  Instead, and only then, must he sheepishly accept his ban and skulk off into the shadows to sulk for a few years before ‘launching a comeback,’ all the while maintaining his innocence.

“After returning to the sport and floundering fruitlessly for a couple of more years (without the benefit of doping), he must then retire.  It is then common to write a book – perhaps admitting doping, perhaps not – and/or to return to the sport by creeping under the slipcover of a team as director or assistant.”

By accepting that he got caught straight away, “(Schmelve) is brazenly defying this rich tradition.  It is an affront to the sport and frankly, the fans deserve better.  I mean, c’mon – at least put up some kinda fight.  It makes for good drama,” continues Vassier.  “He must respect and adhere to established processes without exception.  By admitting guilt without throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old first, we may increase the severity of his punishment.”

“He’s really asking for it.”