Cat 4 Racer Snubs Cat 5 “Losers”

Jonathan Knopff has held a USCF racing license since the early-nineties, and since then, “He’s raced the bare minimum to maintain his Cat 4 status,” complains Toby Mercer. “He’ll enter just as many races as required to keep his Cat 4 rank – just so he can thumb his nose at us Cat 5 guys.”

Knoff justifies his stance. “Back in the day, Cat 4 was where you started. It was the bloody trenches where you made a name for yourself. Then they introduced this loser class a few years back for those weenies that can’t even make Cat 4,” explains Knopff. “Pathetic.”

“Jon rides with the club with an air about him like his sh*t doesn’t stink – all because he’s got a Cat 4 license,” continues Mercer. “The only reason he’s able to hang onto it is because he’s ‘grandfathered.’ How apropos. That guy could be my grandfather. Only my grampa would be a Cat 3 or 2 by now.”

“He won’t even talk to Cat 5 guys,” Mercer adds. “He treats us like we’re untouchables or something – like we’re carrying parasites or the plague.”

“Those guys are just jealous,” explains Knopff. “The truth is, I’ve worked my ass off and can ride them off my wheel any day. They’re proud of having a Cat 5 license? Congratulations, lame-oids. You can balance on two wheels and breathe at the same time. Whoopee! That’s worth noting when you’re five. Not so much when you’re 35.”

Knopff continues, “Now, you just send in your check to get your little wallet card and window decal. Not like when you had to include a pint of blood and a tooth with your license application like I did.”

What about next year – when he will share his Cat 4 class with a good portion of the Cat 5 racers he currently spurns? “We’ll see if they can hack the big leagues (of Cat 4 racing). I’ll bet a lot of these guys head back to the pillow-soft comfort of Cat 5. In that case, they might as well go back to their thumb and blankie.”