Sunday, March 22, 2009

Annoying ‘Jack Rabbit' Rider Found Beaten with Own Frame Pump

“Everyone knows that on Sundays, we ride mellow, but there’s no stopping Nesmith,” says Terry Volmer of the Gelatto Velo club in Spokane, Washington. “That jackass.”

Fellow clubmate Jake Nesmith was found beaten, apparently with his own frame pump, on an otherwise peaceful Sunday club ride last weekend. “He was always a cocky little sonofabitch with his old bike, but when he got that new Tarmac a couple of months ago, he became really insufferable,” continues Volmer.

The day started normally enough for a Sunday ride of the GV club. The group had been cruising socially for a few miles down Route 34. Soon, however, events took an ugly turn. “We were barely past the turnoff (to Castle Rock) when Nesmith takes off,” says Vince Renner. “I said ‘Just let him go.’”

A couple of would-be chasers drifted back as Nesmith disappeared up the road.

“We had all but forgotten about his attack when a few minutes later, we find him bruised and moaning by the side of the road,” continues Renner. “A couple of guys wanted to keep going, saying ‘he’s moaning, he must be alive’ – but I said ‘Nah, his wife’ll kill me. We gotta help him out.’”

Pressed for details, Volmer adds, “At first, we thought he’d been hit by a car, but then we noticed his frame pump was all bent up nearby with blood and hair on it.”

Asked who might be responsible, “He never got a look at the guy...for that matter, he doesn’t remember seeing anyone,” says Volmer. “Some say it might have been the ghost of Stan Rathman – one of the founding fathers of the club. He hated it when anyone challenged the sanctity of the cohesive group on a Sunday ride and would verbally redress any ‘jack rabbits’ as he called them. That would have been so like Stan.”

Volmer paused, then added, “Otherwise, no-one’s talking. Some things are better off left alone, know what I mean? But I don’t think Nesmith or anyone else will be testing the pack on a Sunday for a while.”

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